Beauty in the Breakdown

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For those who read my blog post last week, I wanted to let you know that I’m still wandering in the wilderness of my mind. The scenery is not unpleasant here, just a bit repetitive, and at times boring. It’s familiar, and if I am to be honest, there’s a sense of safety in the familiarity. As much as I seek a new direction, and to have the path illuminated before me, I feel like I continue to be lost in the forest looking for the trees. That’s a familiar defence from childhood. If what’s in front of me was too scary to look at, then I allowed confusion to muddy the waters enough that nothing was visible. The child part inside of me is afraid to take the road less travelled at the moment.

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I remember being in this state several years ago. I had been involved in a car accident, and among other injuries, the impact of the accident scrambled my brain. I had a counselling practice at the time that I ended up closing. After the accident I couldn’t remember what my client had told me from one appointment to the next, and it didn’t feel ethical to continue to see clients in that state of mind. As I sat at home day after day, I started to lose my perspective and I forgot who I was. I called a dear friend one night when I was in the middle of an emotional meltdown. I said to her, “I’ve forgotten who I am. Can you remind me?” And as only a dear soul friend can do, she very lovingly and patiently affirmed all the incredible parts that make up the unique soul incarnation known in this lifetime as Denise Cunningham.

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So it’s no surprise to me that as I’m wandering in this mind wilderness again, I get a message from this same dear soul friend today, asking if I’d like to meet for dinner tonight! We live quite a distance apart, but as synchronicity would have it, she’s in town for a few days. I feel such joy at the thought of reconnecting in person with someone who sees my soul, as I see hers; in hearing about her life and supporting her on her path, as she supports me. There is such comfort in being held energetically in your absolute perfection by another. And in returning that gift. To receive confirmation that all parts of us are okay…not just the bright shiny parts. Today I remember that there is beauty in the breakdown. The old needs to fall away in order to make room for the new. Sending love to all who are also in the forest of the unknown. Even though it’s not always comfortable here, it really is an incredible journey and I’m honoured that you’re on it with me.

Winning the Lottery of Life

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A warm hello from the other side.  I’m not quite sure from the other side of what. All I know is that I’ve been absent for quite a while, feeling a bit lost on the roller coaster ride of life. When I’m in that space I tend to retreat, and try to make sense of the world, and perhaps that is the very time I need to be reaching out and connecting with all of you from the mess. From the place of the unknown. Maybe, just maybe, you’re in that place too and would like to feel like you’re not alone. Or maybe you’ve reached the other side of that space, and hearing about how someone else is navigating it will be a reminder to you of how far you’ve come.

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I got a bit of clarity on my drive to work the other day. I have a dear friend who buys lottery tickets often. We’ve had some great conversations about what she’ll do with the money when she wins! As I was driving I started to ask myself what I would do with my days if a big pile of money landed in my lap, and finances were no longer a barrier to living my heart’s desire. What would I do with my time/life? As I ran down the litany of things I am currently doing, and the things I have contemplated doing, I got a “no” to each of them. This left me a bit perplexed. Sitting in that place of the unknown, and allowing the comforting ritual of driving to envelop me, slowly from the depths of me the following bubbled up to the surface, “Oh my God, I’d go away some place tranquil and write.” I would spend my days, and late into the nights that sometimes stretched into early mornings, being immersed in, and dancing with the magic of words. Trying, as every writer before me has tried, to touch the soul of another. To reach beyond the surface, and the ordinary, and the mundane, into the ground of our being and to the bigger truths of life.

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And then I had to ask myself the question, “Why am I not doing something that feeds my soul and brings me joy every day?” I don’t need to go somewhere else to write. I can create a space of tranquility right where I am. I don’t need to have a pile of money to write. I can make a commitment to myself to honour my soul and write. And so, to honour my commitment to myself (and to a dear soul sister who has agreed to be my accountability partner) I am recommitting myself to writing in my blog every week. I have no idea what I’ll write about. All I know for sure is that I need to write. Then I will feel like I’ve won the lottery, because I will be doing something that brings me absolute joy. If you could do anything, and money wasn’t an object, what would you be doing? Can you bring a little bit of whatever that is into your life right now? What brings you absolute joy? I’d love to know.